Bouncing Baronet heads off to seduce the valleys

* A short public service announcement for female members of the Welsh Assembly: the international boulevardier Sir Dai Llewellyn - also known as "the Bouncing Baronet" and "the Seducer of the Valleys" - hopes to soon be among you.

Sir Dai will stand in May's Assembly elections in Cardiff North as a candidate for the UK Independence Party. He vows, should he somehow win the seat, to fight to destroy the Assembly from the inside. The rotund, zippy cad, 61, will be closely observed on the campaign trail lest he add to his multifarious romantic endeavours. On one occasion in South Africa, he literally, in his own words, "fell through the floor attempting to roger a girl called Nettie" - a friend's girlfriend.

His return to Wales is a surprise: only four years ago he fled the land of his father (the 1952 Olympic gold medallist showjumper Sir Harry Llewellyn) for his pad in Mayfair, claiming that he had been driven out by Welsh "xenophobic nationalism". The promotion of the Welsh language was part of a "racist agenda", he claimed, adding that he would only return to the country to be buried.

Sir Dai tells Pandora that he feels "betrayed" by the Tory Party over the European Union - whereas with Ukip he can campaign "to get out of Europe, and to abolish the Welsh Assembly", which is "a waste of money obsessed mostly with putting up signs".

He adds: "I speak four languages - German, French, Spanish and Italian - so you can't call me xenophobic."

* Jose Mourinho has made few efforts to dispel the rumours that he is heading for an early shower at Chelsea.

Mourinho's team still has everything to play for this season. But his cold war with Chelsea's megabucks owner Roman Abramovich (who's spent half a billion smackers on the club and is reportedly unimpressed with the return) has led football writers to assert that Jose will "be resigned" this summer, quitting the capital to seek employment back on the Continent. At least he won't need a fur hat by the Med.

Interesting to report, then, that Mourinho was in Chiswick's Porsche dealership this week to collect a spanking new Cayenne 4x4 sports car. Tellingly, I'm told that he had ordered the vehicle to come equipped with left-hand drive.

Chelsea press attaché Simon Greenberg, one of the few men who can shut Mourinho up, was strangely quiet on the subject yesterday.

* I spy with my little eye the upraised middle digit of Damien Hirst, who finds himself the victim of a campaign by Gloucestershire's veggie-militia.

The artist is converting an old factory in Dudbridge, Stroud, into a studio. Local animal lovers have "festooned the site with protest placards" after learning of his plan to include an abattoir rail, from which to hang his dead menagerie. (A rail makes for easier whizzing-about of carcasses for buzz-sawing, dipping in formaldehyde, etc). Residents are petitioning the council.

One vegetarian neighbour of Hirst in Dudbridge claims that "most people here are quite horrified that there are going to be dead animals there". Goodness help the town butcher.

* Ed Vaizey has come a long way since filling the wretched role of writing speeches for Mikey Howard.

Mate-of-Cameron Vaizey, a nice chap who has been touching up possible Lib Dem defectors for the Tories, is entering the potentially lucrative world of after-dinner speaking, signing for the London agency JLA. Says boss Jeremy Lee, whose books boast William Hague and Alastair Campbell: "We're very excited to be working with Mr Vaizey. He is an interesting speaker."

The MP becomes a "C-grade" talker, on a par with Christine Hamilton and snooker's Steve Davis. Small potatoes compared to the £20k commanded by A-graders, but £2,500-£5,000 for a night's work ain't rough.

* The nation's esteemed "crusties" are spitting false teeth at Gordon Brown, after learning that he ignored warnings about the shortfall in pensions funding. GB also ruled that Jo(e) Public cannot invest over £1.5m in her/his own pension pot.

The Lib Dems have mounted the passing bandwagon: their pensions chief Lord Oakeshott demands that our frugal Chancellor forfeit half the princely pension pot he will automatically acquire when he crosses the threshold of No 10.

"Will you share a fraction of the pensioners' pain?" asks Oakeshott. "Will you not claim your £4m jackpot but try to manage on the £2m package you already enjoy? You mustn't look like the captain of the Titanic grabbing the best lifeboat."

Replies a spokesman for No 11: "It is always a pleasure to receive representations from the Liberals, although rare to see one designed to save the taxpayer money. However, this assumes that the Chancellor is going to become the next Prime Minister, so it would be very presumptuous for us to comment." More soon.

pandora@independent.co.uk

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