Official: there can be no farting in Parliament (or any aliens)
Wednesday, 22 June 2005
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* Yesterday, as Parliament debated the draconian Racial and Religious Hatred Bill, the Labour backbencher Harry Cohen was hit by a pressing example of heavy-handed political censorship.
* Yesterday, as Parliament debated the draconian Racial and Religious Hatred Bill, the Labour backbencher Harry Cohen was hit by a pressing example of heavy-handed political censorship.
Earlier in the week, Cohen tabled an Early Day Motion praising the BBC's recent series of Doctor Who, starring Christopher Eccleston, right. But before publication, Commons authorities altered the text, to delete references to "the episode with farting aliens in Downing Street".
Apparently, parliamentary officials were unable to agree on what language (if any) was appropriate to describe bodily functions. Cohen, above, who comes from a working-class background, and likes to call a spade a spade, is most upset.
"My Early Day Motion has been censored," he says. "First, the Table Office said they thought 'farting' was unacceptable, and suggested I used the word 'flatulent'. Then they told me just the word 'aliens' would do."
"When the EDM was published, they had censored the whole sentence. It was obviously struck out by the winds of censorship. Apparently, humour isn't allowed."
Last night, a spokesman for the Table Office said: "I can't discuss individual advice offered to members, but the clerk will always apply the rules of the House."
* My telephone stands to attention. It is a mystery "heavy breather", with a familiar, if slightly whiney, American accent.
Is this Guy Adams?" he asks. "Yes," I reply. "Is The Independent a newspaper?" Again, I answer in the affirmative. "Oh, okay, so do you guys print fact or fiction?"
"That depends," comes my startled response. "We always try to print facts, though mistakes occasionally creep into any..." And with that he hangs up.
At teatime yesterday, the identity of Pandora's prank-caller became apparent. It was none other than David Schwimmer who told Richard and Judy he'd just done "something rather cheeky, as you guys say".
Apparently, the Friends star was so upset by my coverage of his co-star Catherine Tate's recent New Statesman diary - which drew attention to her comment: "It's as much as I can do to smile at the man" - that he made the oddball call.
Other Hollywood stars might fire off a writ. I know what I prefer!
* A day after the Duchess of York was paid to endorse a sandwich by a Manhattan delicatessen, there is further ammo for those who - like the noble Lord Charteris - would declare Her Ferginess "vulgar, vulgar, vulgar!"
Last week, the Duchess was on a list of celebrities expected at a summer party hosted by Michele Barouh, the founder of Michele Watches. Although she didn't attend, there are rumours of another sponsorship deal in the offing.
"That's not quite true," says Barouh's spokesman. "Last year, she approached us and said she'd like to endorse the brand, but with people like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton already involved, we declined."
That's quite a snub! Admits Fergie's PR company: "There was some dialogue in the past but nothing came of it."
* Yesterday, I asked you to guess how many pictures of Maria Sharapova will appear in British newspapers this Wimbledon fortnight.
Now, following the Russian star's first-round win, spread-betting firm Bethilo has opened a market on my "watch the birdie" contest. They reckon she'll brighten up the papers between 88 and 91 times from today until 4 July.
Pandora is convinced the figure will be higher, and has staked a charity bet of £5-per-photo to back this up.
If you'd prefer not to gamble, e-mail me your own prediction. The sender of the best entry wins a bottle of Dom Perignon 1996, together with the right to nominate a charity to benefit from my wager.
By the by, 14 shots of Sharapova appeared in yesterday's papers. Not all were quite justified: the Evening Standard used an action shot of the Russian teenager to illustrate a piece about Britain's Andrew Murray.
* When Tony Blair decided to "rebrand" the Department of Trade and Industry after the general election, he announced that it would become the Department for Productivity, Energy and Industry.
Just six days later, he was forced to junk the plan, after it became apparent that the new ministry would boast the acronym Penis.
The cost of this U-turn has just been made public. On Monday, the Trade Secretary Alan Johnson sneaked out a parliamentary answer, admitting that he'd spent £30,000 on the botched name-change.
Something must have gone badly wrong, because back in May, smartypants Johnson said the whole cock-up would involve little more than "a man with a screwdriver replacing the sign outside the department's HQ".
