Political correction: Dave apologises to Lithuania

Readers in central London: please take care. The smell of cordite is heavy in the air there, as the Lithuanian ambassador to London readies his troops, tops up the oil and water in his tank, and prepares an assault on the Conservative leader David Cameron.

His Excellency Vygaudas Usackas feels that Cameron is dissin' his homies. The Lithuanian's specific complaint relates to Cameron telling members of the Arts Council: "I hope you won't be giving grants to too many one-legged Lithuanian lesbians."

Dave denies that quote, and says he actually referred to "one-legged Lithuanian dance troupes" – leaving lesbians out of it. Either way, large columns of steam are rising near Baker Street, billowing forth from Mr Usackas's ears. He has written a fragrant letter to Cameron explaining that he is "disappointed" with the Tory chief's comments, which have "prompted a wave of outrage in Lithuania".

Usackas adds: "It seems appropriate to take this opportunity to remind you that 17 years ago Lithuania led the way in breaking the Evil Empire of the Soviet Union. Since 2004 we have been proud to be a close friend and ally of the United Kingdom."

The ambassador demands that Cameron clarify "exactly what [he] meant when referring to 'Lithuanians'."

Says a spokesman for Dave: "A senior member of David Cameron's office has spoken in person to the ambassador, explaining he has the highest admiration and regard for Lithuania. And David Cameron will be responding to the letter personally, possibly tonight."

Firth's pickle when Snoop was in the Dogg house

When Snoop Dogg fell out with the Home Office earlier this year, and was banned from entering the UK, it didn't just throw the controversial West Coast rapper's UK tour into chaos. It also caused headaches for the producers of the documentary In Prison My Whole Life – namely, Mrs Colin Firth.

Mr Dogg, left, was supposed to be interviewed for the film about Mumia Abu-Jamal, a former Black Panther imprisoned since 1981 in the US – mostly on Death Row – for murder.

"Snoop is very political and was really keen to get involved," says Livia Firth, the producer, explaining that they eventually had to go to Amsterdam to be granted an audience.

Says an acquaintance of Snoop: "He is political in the sense that he does stuff for urban welfare projects, but he might struggle to name his local senator. He is a little smarter than his skunked out appearance would suggest."

Lily waits for the naked truth

Alfie Owen-Allen, spawn of the same loins as mardy pop singer Lily, has been tasked with replacing Daniel Radcliffe as the lead in Peter Shaffer's Equus when it begins a nationwide tour in January.

It's a daunting task, since it requires Alfie to tread the boards in his birthday suit, and – in the words of a middle-market newspaper – "simulate a sex act while naked and astride a horse". So what treats might be in store for audience members?

"I couldn't comment," straight-batted his big sister Lily Allen, when Pandora bumped into her at the Brick Lane premiere and asked if Alfie could fill the void left by Radcliffe. "We've not had a bath together for a while, so I dunno." What about a bath with Daniel Radcliffe? "I'm not sure as I fancy that actually."

Whip cracks

Hairy proboscises are out of joint on the Labour backbenches. The Chief Whip, Geoff Hoon, has despatched a "bollocky" missive to the sleepier corners of the House of Commons, ordering his MPs to stop ignoring him when he messages their pagers.

During the tyranny of Blair's regime, members would never dare turn off their vibrators and miss a vote, lest they be found dangling from Blackfriars Bridge. Compared with Jacqui Smith, Hoon is "a pussycat", according to one disrespectful charge. Hoon has acted against the relâchement and warns in an email: "Some colleagues have stopped using their pagers ... This has resulted in missed votes." Hoon's office explains that he "doesn't care ... so long as they know there's a vote and they are in a fit condition to walk through the right door".

Viva hate

Heaven forfend that we accuse Morrissey of lacking a sense of humour. The professional miserablist has parted company with his support act Kristeen Young, after she "joked" on stage at New York's Hammerstein Ballroom that he enjoyed, um, non-vegan sexual practices. To be specific: "Morrissey gives good head, I mean, er, cunnilingus ..."

Young suddenly vanished from the bill, and has since issued a statement on the internet confirming that she has "been asked to leave the Morrissey tour". Her offending remarks, she says, "were metaphorical and overstated to make an artistic point ... in no way a literal statement". She adds: "I reach for beauty and intelligence in my lyrics [and] maybe the statement was a bit too everyday."

Rock 'n' roll, baby!

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