News Review: Whatever happened to virginity?

Chastity, said Aldous Huxley in 1939, was "the most unnatural of sexual perversions", but today it is one of the most hotly debated issues. In the glossy, panting, libidinous, sex-saturated context of 21st-century Britain, it will keep raising its snow-white head.

Last week came the "shocking" news that President Bush's $1bn abstinence campaign has failed. Despite its shaming slogans like, "Would you eat a cookie that already had a bite out of it?", the Department of Health found no evidence that programmes such as the Silver Ring Thing affected rates of sexual abstinence.

The virginity debate has even produced a new genre of literature, "chastity lit" - in Hanne Blank's Virgin: The Untouched History and the actress Iris Bahr's attempts to be deflowered in Dork Whore. Topping the UK bestseller chart last week was Ian McEwan's On Chesil Beach, which elegantly raises the awkward spectre of newly-wedded first sex. Next month, Channel 4 will follow suit with its Virginity Season.

The question of what virginity means to us today is as complex and divisive as it was when Adam and Eve took a bite from the forbidden fruit. Whether it is treated as a beacon of self-restraint, a testimony to sexual failure or something to be thrown away with the latest copy of Sugar, it is a threshold we must all cross, whether it be passionately, tentatively or reluctantly.

Hanne Blank says the meaning and perception of virginity has changed. "Throughout history virginity was always seen primarily as a state of holiness, a marker of virtue," she says. "Today it is far more likely to be a personal choice, not grounds for public inquiry or open punishment. While we do worry about teens having sex, we do not worry that they will be unable ever to marry because they have done so."

My generation was far from worried. Cherries were popping all over the place during the mid-Nineties in a sweaty haze of adolescent hormones. Most of us were with long-term boyfriends and "did it" in our beds while the parents were out. "We'd been going out for three months and done everything else," says one female friend. "It seemed like a natural progression." For most it was "sweet", if awkward.

It wasn't all sweet. Tom, 25, lost his virginity at 19 to a virtual stranger against a lamppost near Warren Street. He says, "I felt mad relief, but also huge disappointment because it was crap. I texted my friend afterwards to say that I was free of my virginian shackles and it was done in a car park with 'an older woman'." But however uncouth the event itself, my peers were not hung up on the moral repercussions - nor were their parents.

Kerry McCarthy, 49, is the parent of two teenage children and, like most of her friends, has always adopted a fairly liberal attitude to her children's sex lives. "I would far rather they have sex at home than anywhere else," she says. "It is disconcerting but you have to keep telling yourself that it's a normal part of growing up. The important issue is not their virginity but their emotional and physical safety."

Does this mean today's teenagers are more promiscuous? In 2000 the average age for a person to lose their virginity was 16, compared with 20 for a woman (21 for a man) in 1950. But these years span some of the most dramatic changes in history in our attitudes to sex and relationships, with the advent of the Pill and the Sexual Revolution of the 1960s.

Anita Naik, co-author of Let's Talk Sex with the television presenter Davina McCall, has been answering angst-ridden teenage letters for the past 17 years, says that nothing much has changed. "The idea that all teenagers are having sex younger is a bit of a myth," she says. "Young people were keen to talk about sex - but that doesn't mean they were all doing it."

The Silver Ring Thing website tells a different story. It quotes the British Medical Journal's findings that "instances of STIs, particularly chlamydia, in 16- to 24-year-olds, have almost trebled in men and almost doubled in women during 1995 to 2001". The only answer, it says, is abstinence.

"A significant proportion of young people do want to save sex for marriage," says Andy Robinson, the director of the Horsham branch of Silver Ring Thing. "And we can give them the tools and the support network to do that."

A couple of hundred young people in Britain have completed the four-week abstinence programme and are already wearing their rings as a public symbol of their commitment to chastity. Robinson says: "We have gone through the 1960s sexual revolution, and young people can see that it has not benefited society."

If sex, according to Philip Larkin, started in 1963, then perhaps the virginity craze started in 1996 with Britney Spears, in provocative navel-skimming school uniform, proclaiming the virtues of saving herself for marriage. Her sweet, southern girl "chastity" was a marketing tool, and it sold millions of records. In 2004 an 18-year-old London woman tried to sell her virginity online to the highest bidder, and in recent years specialist plastic surgery to restore the hymen to its former glory has become popular with women (and men). Rebelling against the sexual rebellion and free-love mantra of our parent's generation, virginity seems to have become a desirable commodity once more.

Kate Monroe has interviewed hundreds of British people of all ages about first sexual experiences for her website, virginity project .typepad.com. "In the early Eighties I saw losing my virginity as a status symbol, whereas today there is an emerging group of people who are coming out as virgins - and they're really proud of it. Perhaps it is a reaction against the proliferation of sexual imagery in popular culture. Teenagers always want to be different, so maybe virginity is a way of standing out."

The television sex therapist Tracey Cox believes that education, not abstinence, is the key. "We aren't talking to teenagers in their language, on their level and in their venues," she says, "or they wouldn't still think that coughing after sex will stop you getting pregnant. There is still a distinct lack of good, non-judgemental, accurate, practical information about sex."

Say what you like about STIs and silver rings - teenagers will always have sex, she says. "It's nature. We also seem to forget one essential thing. Teens have fun having sex. It's often one of the few joys of an otherwise miserable adolescence." Huxley, if not Mr Bush, would be relieved.

Grace Quinn, 16, GCSE student

"I haven't had sex yet because I haven't found the right person - but I don't think teenagers should be frowned upon if they haven't done it. It's totally up to the individual and the circumstances.

"About half my friends have lost their virginity and we all talk about it openly, but even though my last boyfriend was quite serious I didn't feel like it was the right time. 16 is quite a young age to do something so intimate with someone and I definitely wanted to know the person for a long time to feel comfortable enough. I haven't had massive conversations with my parents, but I've learnt a lot about contraception at school, and I feel prepared.

"Lots of people my age have done it just because of pressure, and just get it out of the way on a drunken evening. Sometimes people don't even like the person they are doing it with.

"But I don't want to be one of those people who has sex and then realises it was the completely wrong decision to make. Quite a few people I know regret it and just did it because they were either drunk or up for it.

"I don't want to give teenagers a bad name, but programmes like Skins hold a mirror up to what teens are doing. Not everyone gets drunk and has sex on a Friday night, but some do, and once you turn 16 the pressure does mount a lot.

"I guess what I'm saying is that losing your virginity doesn't have to be this sacred thing. But I don't think it should be whenever and with whoever."

Cynthia Wilde, 59, artist

"I was 17 and my boyfriend was 18, and we'd been going out since I was 15. We'd done almost everything except have sex - mainly because we were terrified of me getting pregnant and he was very shy. Even something as simple as going to buy condoms was a major undertaking. You couldn't get them from the supermarket like you can now; you had to ask the chemist to get them out from behind the counter, which was terribly embarrassing. The biggest fear was getting pregnant because that was a bit disgraceful. It was also a question of hanging onto your virginity because someone will be nasty about you if you don't. Where I lived there were girls that 'did' and girls that 'didn't'.

"It wasn't a wildly passionate event, it was more like 'I can do it now because I've left school.' We got in his little car, and drove up to the local beauty spot. I remember it as being quite funny and a bit chilly, and that I felt sort of glib and silly afterwards. When I got home I snuck inside, because my parents were asleep and I was convinced that they would be able to tell the minute they saw me - but they didn't, of course.

"Afterwards I thought I would exude an air of womanhood and everyone would know but I didn't actually feel any different, so it was a bit of a disappointment. I eventually married him when I was 21 and divorced at 26.

"Because the event was quite funny, I've always associated sex with pleasure, fun and affection - it made us closer even though it didn't live up to expectations. Having sex was essential not to be stuck in this zone of church-like purity, childhood and parental control."

Ed Seeker, 41, author and cartoonist

"I was 21 when I lost my virginity with my future wife, so it was very old-fashioned in a way. I'd had girlfriends but until then I hadn't really done anything except an awful lot of masturbating - as most teenagers do. At school there were a few legendary boys who had 'done it' but my friends were all clueless virgins. There wasn't a lot of sexual awareness - it was all rather cloak and dagger.

"By the time I was 21 I had started courting my future wife, and there was the vague sense that my virginity was starting to become slightly oppressive. I remember thinking: 'If you don't lose your virginity soon you'll be a 40-year-old virgin and how embarrassing!'

"She was also sexually quite naive and innocent, so we kissed and rolled around with our clothes on and one day I put my hand down her knickers: she was quite taken aback. There was the sense that there was still this territory we were saving for last and keeping a bit special.

"When it finally came to the sex, it wasn't an anti-climax - but the second time was much better. I remember thinking: 'This feels almost as nice as a good wank.' The physical sensation of being inside her was actually quite strange and surprising, and because we were at my parent's house we were keeping things a bit quiet - it certainly wasn't wild, reckless abandon. There was a fear of hurting her and a real paranoia of 'what if she gets pregnant?' - not about diseases or being thought promiscuous.

"Losing my virginity felt like crossing an important threshold into adulthood. It was more like gaining something than 'losing' something: gaining status in my own eyes and hers. We were together for another 15 years."

Jake Lake, 16, GCSE student

"I lost my virginity last year, just after my 15th birthday. I was one of the first of my friends to have sex, but my girlfriend and I were very close and we didn't see it as a particularly big deal.

"We had many conversations about it and we both felt very comfortable and ready. To be honest I was completely terrified - partly because it was new and partly because I'm a nervous person anyway.

"My parents were away for the night and I cooked dinner for her. It was very romantic. The actual sex was a bit of an anti-climax because I'd built it up so much in my head. But once we'd done it the first time we were like 'this is great, let's do it non-stop'. I kind of felt proud of myself, and it sounds clichéd, but it felt as though I'd really grown up.

"I doubt my parents knew we were having sex, and if they did they didn't want to admit it to themselves because I was under 16. When my mum found out she gave me all the normal advice, like 'be sensible, wear protection' - but we never sat down and had a formal conversation about it. At primary school sex education classes were pitiful and in year 10 a nurse came round and showed us how to put on condoms and stuff - but it was more entertaining than educational.

"Everyone I know is eager to lose their virginity, but you're not looked down upon if you haven't done it yet. There's generally quite a casual approach to sex with people my age. When I think about it perhaps I did do it a bit too early, but ultimately I'm glad I did it with someone that I care about."

Mary Smith, 77, London

"During the war I was evacuated to a small village in Bedfordshire. My parents were very strict. I knew nothing about sex. My mother was a very introverted woman and never even explained to me about periods. At first I thought I was bleeding to death. It was funny because we bred rabbits to eat but I didn't know anything about how people did it.

"There was nothing to do in the village where we lived so we all went to the local youth club. It was run by a man who was in his forties and had two grown-up sons. I was 12 and I was invited to his house for some reason.

"I think I've tried to obliterate it from my memory, but I recall walking to his house in a new pink tweed suit. His house was on the main street and I went there quite willingly. But, when I got there, he called me inside and he raped me.

"I didn't know what was happening. All I can remember was that I was wearing my navy blue school knickers. That was it in a couple of minutes and I never ever told anyone. The peculiar thing is that all I was worried about was my mother and father finding out. I had a new suit on and I was terribly worried because it was stained at the back. However, my mother never noticed it.

"After that I was petrified of sex. I wouldn't go out with any boys and kept myself to myself until I got married in 1950.

"No one talked about sex in those days and I felt terribly ashamed - as though I should have tried to stop him, like it was in some way my fault.

"I have never told anybody that before, but perhaps when I write my life story I'll put it in that."

Emma Davidson, 34

"I had just turned 20 and I thought, 'If I don't lose my virginity now, I never will and I will be one of those crazy old ladies with cats.'

"My father was very strict and I was terrified that he would find out and kill me. But in the end I just thought, 'I've got to get this over with!'

"My boyfriend was this guy called Adam and he was such a nerd. One night a group of us went to the fireworks and then back to a friend's house. I was wearing my friend's mother's stockings and suspenders, which I couldn't get off, so there was all this awkward underwear. We ended up in a bedroom, having sex under the clothes dryer, with me staring up at a pair of old boxer shorts. It was all over in a matter of seconds - even though this guy claimed to have had sex before - and we didn't use a condom so it was really messy and awful.

"I thought there would be blood everywhere, but he had such a small penis that nothing happened. I assumed my hymen must have already been broken when I was younger - but it was just because I was small. I was like, 'Is this it? Is this what people are talking about?' I was quite disappointed. And afterwards I just went off into the night with my friend, relieved I'd got it all over with, I'd done it.

"I wouldn't change anything about it because it's just a stupid, funny story - it wasn't traumatic. I'm glad that I didn't do it when I was younger and more impressionable because I probably would have had bloody pictures of this guy over my wall for the rest of my life. Luckily I met someone else afterwards and the sex was great."

A history of virginity, from Elizabeth I to Buffy

Although Elizabeth I was the official Virgin Queen (after whom the state of Virginia, now advertised "for lovers", was named), Queen Victoria was the first to make virginal white bridal gowns popular. Previously women married in their best dress, often blue to symbolise the chastity and faithfulness of the Virgin Mary.

Other Victorians were fierce about sex. In her 1894 booklet, Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride, Ruth Smythers ("Beloved wife of The Reverend L. D. Smythers") wrote: "During the wedding night, the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: Give little, give seldom and, above all, give grudgingly. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust."

It was almost a relief when Sigmund Freud stepped in with The Taboo of Virginity in 1918. In it, he explored the reasons behind the practice, in some cultures, of having a man other than the husband break the hymen. He feared that "defloration" may unleash in the woman an archaic reaction of hostility towards the man that could assume pathogenic forms - such as the appearance of "inhibitions" in the erotic side of married life. Which sounds remarkably like what Mrs Smythers said.

Then in 1949 Simone de Beauvoir published The Second Sex. Describing "the myth of virginity", Beauvoir wrote that the virgin, "now feared by the male, now desired or even demanded ... would seem to represent the most consummate form of the feminine mystery. She is therefore its most disturbing and at the same time its most fascinating aspect." Which is strange, since, as Philip Larkin revealed, "Sexual intercourse began/ In nineteen sixty-three/ (Which was rather late for me)/ Between the end of the Chatterley ban/ And the Beatles' first LP".

If that sounds bad, then spare a thought for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who lost her virginity to Angel, accidentally lifting the Kalderash curse placed on him. This caused him to lose his soul and set out to destroy Buffy and the world. Which, you have to admit, is even worse than the condom breaking.

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